what's to be gained, what's to be lost

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Posted by Catherine Cartwright Jones on September 9, 2002 at 18:25:36:

In reply to: What to do about unsupportive family posted by Nancy on September 9, 2002 at 18:07:23:

If you're paying your own way, and the flack doesn't get in the way of
you accomplishing your needs each day .... don't worry about the
noise. It may just have been a dog barking to establish territory,
and the dog may settle down.

If they're feeding you, keeping a roof over your head, the situation
is more complex. You'll probably need to do some discussion,
educating, and compromise. Don't go head to head unless you are
prepared to deal with consequences. Evaluate your situation, what it
to be gained, what is at risk. Do you have anything to lose, other
than having to hear all manner of bother, by continuing to wear your

In some situations, I compromise, in some I capitulate, in some I
don't budge. Depends on what's to be gained and lost. My husband
doesn't like henna. He is also a teetotaler. I like henna and I like
wine. The situation is that I have to live with him, so I evaluate
gain and risk there. I do what I can to be discrete with both, and we
work it out. On larger issues, I've been known to be awfully bloody
minded. My husband, of 34 years, is black. I'm white and the
family's mostly from the south. That evaluation of potential gain and
risk was at a higher level there. Early on, I decided the potential
gain of staying with him was greater than the risk of my family
disowning me. We're still here, they're history. Other women in my
situation did not make the same decision.


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