Shark Bait
by Ell

I had a drawing gig with someone I was eventually going to henna-sling for that went really badly (except for the pay). I was to go to security to get my pass for the venue. Always before, when I worked for this person, my pass was left at security. 

So, I go to security. No pass. Because security at the venue was so poorly trained and managed, I not only couldn't get in, no one knew who to radio to GET ME IN. Security was so doltish, so apocalyptically stupid, they wouldn't even let in the people with ALL ACCESS CREDENTIALS who worked for the company WHO'D RENTED THEIR VENUE FOR THE SUMMER, so I didn't feel singled out. 

After the second encounter with a venue employee who didn't know nothin', I called my husband to let him know I was going to have to ditch after one more go at getting my event pass. Our conversation went like this, with me going first (with cusswords changed to words that make me sound like I was talking Swedish Chef, but at least no one's ears will burst into flame):

"S***! Fark!"
"They still didn't know you were coming?"
"Fark! FARK!"
"Didn't you go to the place you went this morning?"
"Fark! Farkfarkfark!"
"And then what?"
"Fark $***fark $***!"
"And what did they say?"
"$*** fark fark blasphemy!"
"You try calling the organizer?"
"FARK! Fark fark shark shark."
"Didn't answer? Hmm."
"Fark shark fark $*** shark! Fark blasphemy fark sugar fook!"
"Fook shark fookfarkfark fark shin sugar fark $***
"Yes, I'll come back and get you if they don't have
your pass at will call."
"Fark $*** blasphemy."
"Yeah, I know."
"It IS pretty stupid."
"Fark fook sharksugarsugar fook."
"Yeah, yeah. Try to get your pass, okay?"
"I know. I'll see you at 8:05 if you don't call."
"Blasphemy! Fark!"
"*sigh* Fooooook. $***."
"I love you too."

I evntually got in, one hour late, after circling the venue like the Flying Dutchman for 90 minutes, thanks to the single smart employee of the venue who kept calling people until he got someone who was also smart who had a pass.  The person who hired me grilled me when I sat down to draw. I'd seen them BEFORE the event, and mentioned passes TWICE, and I guess they didn't hear me mention passes, and so never told me the pass I'd gotten for the venue that morning would get me in.
This would be the pass I had hanging ON MY PURSE in PLAIN SIGHT of everyone who told me I didn't have the right credentials to get in, go to the next line.

While I'm standing in line, the person who hired me and their spouse call my husband THREE times. "Where's Ell? I've walked out to the security area twice! She's not here!" and EVERY TIME he tells them, "She called me at 5:45, and said she was going to the Will Call line. She was sent there BY the people AT THE SECURITY AREA!"   The Will Call lines are outside, at the front of the
arena, and clearly marked in big chrome letters WILL  CALL. Obviously, this person never actually came outside to look for me.

The person who hired me clearly didn't believe I'd been walking around outside for an hour and a half, in spite of my sweat-soaked clothes, and tomato-red face, and I kept getting questions and comments that clearly meant, "I don't believe you. You were late. I don't believe you."

I finally said, "But I called your mobile fifteen minutes before the event opened because YOU weren't down at the security tent and YOU didn't leave my pass there!"

"Um, I didn't hear my phone."


I'm glad this happened BEFORE I started henna-slinging for this person!

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